.05. [voice] sometimes i give myself the creeps sometimes my mind plays tricks on me

[tangentdarko]

I know that what I'm experiencing would be called a "daylight hallucination," but I can't help but think there might be some truth to it, you know? Like maybe it's stuff the Admiral wants us to see.. That's, if I'm not the only one. Otherwise, maybe it's just me. Maybe the Admiral wants me to do something..

I haven't seen Frank for awhile, but I made a new friend. [A beat.] Imaginary.

[There's a short silence, then he starts laughing a little.]

Elizabeth would tell me to take my god damn pills, but she's a bitch, so you can't really listen to most of what she says. [Another pause, then more serious.] But there are other things that have to be taken into account here. You can't just take the entire spectrum of human perception and lump it into the categories of right and wrong. This isn't a fucking Lifeline Exercise. I mean, maybe what I'm seeing is actually there and it's trying to help me.

Fuck, I don't know. I just don't want to worry about getting caught.


[ooc; Donnie's effected by the paranoia and has gained a new imaginary friend. He also is a borderline schizophrenic who hasn't been taking his medication.]

Comments

[triggered-it.livejournal.com]

Don't give the admiral so much credit, Donnie. He merely drives this vessel; I highly doubt he has any influence over what happens to us during floods. That seems to be more a reflection of our own minds.

[tangentdarko.livejournal.com]

I don't know. It seems illogical to think that he couldn't choose to take water on. Even if he can't control the event itself, maybe he plans it and knows what will happen to us. He always sounds familiar but never has a face. He just.. he sounds a little too much like God to not have control of any of the things that go on here. I'm not saying he is God.. fff.. I don't know. I just think he has more control than most people assume but he doesn't want them to know because then he could get blamed for all the things that happen and people might be less willing to accept them as random circumstance.

[triggered-it.livejournal.com]

A valid point. He could choose to take on flood waters, perhaps certain floods, even.

However, in order to have a plan, he'd have to have a very detailed knowledge about our psychology in order to predict how we would react, and that is entirely possible. I concede that. However, floods interfere with the redemption process. They hinder, and occasionally, help.

This means he'd be interfering with the job of the wardens. You can make of that what you will.

[tangentdarko.livejournal.com]

I think it's perfectly possible that he picks and chooses different people out of different times from a limited universe. That kind of makes him like God too. Even if he's not, it still makes sense that he'd like, be able to know about all of us. To be omniscient and omnipotent. Letting us play out our own problems and just watching. For all we know, we're justifying the existence of humanity.

The floods always help. If there weren't any floods, people would just do the same thing day after day and they wouldn't be able to get over anything. Routine is what hurts growth and progress and all those other things that we're supposed to be working toward. Floods make people think, good or bad. I mean, yeah, they're totally traumatizing half the time, but how else would people seek out comfort and the necessary social ties that help people mature? It just doesn't make sense not to have them.

[triggered-it.livejournal.com]

Then what of the wardens who are also affected and so often traumatized by floods and ports? The Doctor is a good man, yet he nearly left the Barge entirely after the zombie port. My own warden was also left incredibly taxed.

Furthermore, no reliable rehabilitation center that I've ever heard of runs things like this. On the contrary, they rely on routine, which is dangerous, to a degree. It doesn't push people toward any higher ambitions than are allowed for in the arts and crafts room. However, plenty of people do recover, regardless.

Sometimes it is through trauma or tragedy that bonds are formed, but often even stronger bonds can be formed through just talking and spending time together. Bonds formed during times of stress often don't last, at least based on what I've seen.

And as for maturing? The floods can help us learn about ourselves and others. I don't think that can always be applied to everyone during every flood, however. Some people retreat and withdraw emotionally, and by the time they recover, they're hit with another flood or port, and the process can start all over again.

If that's the case, it sounds like the Admiral is playing favorites, which paints him as a bit more sinister figure.

[tangentdarko.livejournal.com]

[Explanatory ramble.]

Well, it's basically the same thing. The penchant people have for bonding during trauma brings them closer together and makes them vulnerable in a way most people wouldn't be comfortable with. The wardens should be traumatized to help them bond with their inmate and because it wouldn't really be fair if the inmates were the only ones being traumatized.. I mean, have you ever heard of a rehabilitation center like this? We're dead and floating on what could be the River Styx and I'd like to think that whoever it is that's running this would have a little more foresight than to give us a routine and Arts and Crafts. I mean, I know I'm young, but I was in therapy for years for my emotional problems AND on medications but I never really got better; I still had the same problems before I died that I did three years ago and I'd like to think that will change here.

[He pauses to take a breath, sounding slightly more flustered.]

You don't get it! There's a difference between banding together toward a common enemy or goal in times of stress like you're talking about and the kind of friendships that come with the exposure of secrets and deep vulnerability. It's sort of like a code among thieves. Even if it's pretty shallow between specific people, it's still going to last a long time and not be easily broken by the societies that we'll return to. The people that close off during floods only in time to recover for the next are exactly the kind of people that need that exposure to get them to open up because no one's just going to spend their entire time sitting in their room with no light on listening to The Cure or whatever other ways people might cope.

[A breath.]

You're assuming that the Admiral can't see the future as much as the past. If we're all operating in God's or The Admiral's or whatever channel of the passage of time, which the Barge could reasonably be, then he has the potential to see a lot farther than we do and, at that point, it would be selfish to think that we could possibly know what works for us better than he does.

[triggered-it.livejournal.com]

Excuse me, I only meant to pick your brain a little. I'm interested in your views, and it's only natural for humans to question and then fail to comprehend the incomprehensible.

[tangentdarko.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry.. I get a little excited about the way the universe works. I saw something most people don't get to see and now no one can understand me and I don't want to experience it alone.. I just wish that someone could keep up, I guess.

[triggered-it.livejournal.com]

No, I understand what you're saying. I just wanted to hear you explain it a little bit more. I'm not an expert on how a rehabilitation center for the dead should be run. However, I've always had trouble placing my faith in anyone, or anything, including both God and the Admiral. Perhaps that limits me.

[tangentdarko.livejournal.com]

Well, cch, I don't even know if God exists or whatever. I just think it's worth considering in a place like this.

[triggered-it.livejournal.com]

If, for the sake of discussion, I take the assumption that God does exist, then I can only accept that my own reasoning is inferior and flawed. However flawed or inferior, I will still use that reasoning, that petty Euclidean reasoning, to judge as I see fit. I don't consider God exempt from that judgment.

Call it hubris, if you'd like, but I'm not sure what more a responsible person can do.

[tangentdarko.livejournal.com]

I think it's fair to judge people, but why would you judge God? If you believe he exists, that means you're inferior. And I know choosing to believe in him is kind of a judgment, but it's different from judging his actions or abilities.

[triggered-it.livejournal.com]

Because I also believe that there are certain things that are wrong with this world, and I don't believe any grand final plan or eventual salvation can justify those wrongs. Do you understand?

[tangentdarko.livejournal.com]

I think so.

You're saying the floods are wrong, whether they have a good result or not?

Private.

[triggered-it.livejournal.com]

No. I wasn't talking about floods.

I'll tell you a little bit about my world. I think we are from around the same year, but a different timeline. The Cold War was heightened to an extreme, and nuclear annihilation was coming certain and soon.

I don't believe a heaven or a god can justify the nullification of the thousands, millions, billions of people who have struggled, and suffered, and sacrificed, and lived. It seems like blasphemy against life itself, and I can't condone that.

That is what I meant, and that's why I feel I can judge God with my flawed human reasoning.

Private.

[tangentdarko.livejournal.com]

Maybe your Universe doesn't have a God.

Private.

[triggered-it.livejournal.com]

I don't think it does.

Private.

[tangentdarko.livejournal.com]

What do you think this place is?

Private.

[triggered-it.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I do know that I don't think it establishes any ultimate moral rules. I don't want to talk about my "crimes," but I think, that whatever supposedly merciful beings created this redemption center ... Well, to be frank, I think they're wrong.

Private.

[tangentdarko.livejournal.com]

You don't think people should get another chance?

Private.

[triggered-it.livejournal.com]

I don't think I need another chance.

Private.

[tangentdarko.livejournal.com]

You never made any mistakes?

Maybe you should ask if you can go then.

Private.

[triggered-it.livejournal.com]

[Laughter, the "this is incredibly fake, but I am vaguely amused" kind of laugh.]

I'm not so naive as to think they would listen to me.

Private.

[tangentdarko.livejournal.com]

Well it's not like you'll know until you try..

Private.

[triggered-it.livejournal.com]

One can say that about many things that can be known to be true even without trying. I'll save myself the embarrassment.

However, I do plan to have a discussion with my warden.

Private.

[tangentdarko.livejournal.com]

I heard someone got to go home that asked not that long ago.. It's not entirely impossible.

About what?

Private.

[triggered-it.livejournal.com]

About why I'm here.

Private.

[tangentdarko.livejournal.com]

Cool.

[no-nanomites.livejournal.com]

Does he whistle?

[tangentdarko.livejournal.com]

[A laugh.] What?